How do we pray for our estranged relationships? Sadly, it is very common for people to be estranged from their spouses, parents, in-laws, children, siblings, or other close relatives. These relationships bring a lot of pain because they result from significant brokenness. The causes of estrangement are many, ranging from strong disagreements about politics, religion, sexuality, or other social issues to abuse, neglect, or betrayal.

Estrangement can happen suddenly, or it may follow years of conflict. A parent’s unhealthy or abusive pattern or addiction might drive an adult child to break off contact. And, of course, it can go the other way. Resentment may drive a wedge of distance between siblings. Interference can cause a split with in-laws. Close relatives may stop speaking or getting together over conflicts sparked by opposing views. Our guilt or shame for how we may have treated someone else might also cause us to avoid them, leading to passive estrangement; this is estrangement that is perhaps not intentional but hurts nonetheless. We may even love someone from whom we are estranged, but feel the hurt of betrayal so deeply that we treat them like enemies.

Some cases of estrangement may have the potential for reconciliation and restoration, while others may require distance for healing or safety. As Christians, we’re just as likely as anyone else to have a broken relationship with someone close to us. Yet, our Heavenly Father commands us to forgive, just as he has forgiven us. How do we pray for those with whom we have strained or severed relationships?

We were God’s beloved enemies

Estrangement results from sin, whether it’s someone else’s sin, our own, or a painful mix of both. Adam and Eve became estranged from their Creator when they listened to the serpent and ate the fruit God had commanded them not to eat. Because the two of them were the only two human beings on Earth, their disobedience estranged all humankind from their Creator. All of humanity became God’s beloved enemies. Yet, we see God’s mercy immediately; even before explaining to Adam and Eve the consequences of their betrayal, God promised that he would reconcile humankind to himself (Genesis 3:15). God’s plan of redemption is the overarching theme of the Bible. Stories of estranged relationships appear throughout the Bible. Joseph became estranged from his family when his brothers sold him into slavery. Absalom broke with his father, King David, when the former rebelled. Hosea famously redeemed his wife, Gomer, after she had been unfaithful to him. The prodigal son left his father to squander his inheritance in a far-off country. In all these stories, someone sinned against another who still loved them.

Though they had made themselves his enemies, God loved Adam and Eve and all their descendants. Through the death and resurrection of his Son, Jesus Christ, God reconciled the world to himself:

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:18-21).

Praying for our beloved enemies

We may have our own beloved enemies. If someone hurts us, we might distance ourselves from that person. It’s important to remember that forgiving someone may not necessarily mean restoring the relationship. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is pray for them from a distance. Patterns of abuse or neglect may call for significant boundaries in a relationship for our safety. We may reach the point when we regard someone as an enemy, a person we feel opposed to or hostile toward, or who sees us that way. We can find it very difficult to pray for someone we view as an enemy. Yet that is just what God commands us to do: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). The people who persecute us the most are often those who are closest to us.

The most damaging estranged relationship in my life was with my former spouse. After seven years of marriage, my wife informed me that she no longer wanted to be married. More than that, she didn’t want to help raise our two small children. Enraged by her abandonment of our children, I didn’t want anything more to do with her. I found it easy to think of myself as the victim of an unwanted divorce. But after reflection, I realized my sins had contributed to the dissolution of the marriage, too. While she remained responsible for her actions, I had to set aside my status as the victim and forgive her in light of my own need for forgiveness (Colossians 3:13). This meant that I had to love my enemy: to act toward her with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't erase the past or dismiss the pain; it simply means we release the right to retaliate and make them suffer, trusting God to bring them to justice and repentance.

Praying for someone with whom we are estranged is a powerful way to love them. This love is not about the affection we may or may not feel for someone; instead, it’s about the attitudes of our hearts and the intentions of our actions. I did not have pleasant feelings about my ex-wife, but as I prayed for her, the Holy Spirit softened my heart for her and made it possible for me to forgive her even while she continued to hurt me and my children.

If you don’t know how to pray for someone from whom you are estranged, begin by confessing that to God. “Father, I don’t know how to pray for _____. Will you show me how?” Tell God how you feel about that person and whatever they did to hurt you or someone you love. “Holy Father, it still makes me angry when I think about how _____ hurt me. Help me forgive _____ as you have forgiven me.” Perhaps you are the one who hurt someone else. “God, you know my heart; you know what I said and did that hurt _____. Please heal the damage I did through my sinful actions and words.” When we pray for those from whom we are estranged, the Holy Spirit begins to release us from the prisons of our unforgiveness and shame.

We might find it difficult to pray for someone we’ve distanced ourselves from or who has rejected us somehow. Estranged relationships often result from destructive and harmful attitudes or actions of others. God calls us to forgive those who have sinned against us, and praying for them is a powerful way to obey that command. While forgiving someone can lead to reconciliation, forgiveness and reconciliation are different things. Forgiveness is a personal movement to release bitterness and resentment from your own heart. On the other hand, reconciliation is a relational process requiring all parties' mutual effort for repentance and change. True reconciliation should never compromise your or your loved ones' safety or well-being. God never asks us to stay in abusive or dangerous relationships. If a relationship has been characterized by abuse, manipulation, and ongoing harm, reconciliation may not be advisable; ending the relationship and setting firm boundaries may be necessary for your protection.

Ultimately, regardless of the outcome of the relationship, praying for those from whom we are estranged allows us to unburden our hearts. Forgiveness may not be a one-time event; as with my former spouse, it is often a lifelong process. Each time we choose to release that pain, we take a step in freedom, even if it's a step we take many times over.

May we pray for you? Share a prayer request with us here. We invite you to check out our free ebook, “How Do I Pray?” We also encourage you to explore the prayer resources on our website. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, please reach out to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or https://www.thehotline.org.